Was it Something I Said?

Was this a dream? You're never going to believe this!

How could something like this happen to an insignificant blogger like me? How could the merest, teeniest speck in the blogosphere like What Do You Mean, Mace? have set off such a fire-storm of controversy?

I got a warning from some lawyers. They say I can't say stuff like I posted in my last post, Paris Hilton: Self-Promotion Genius or Stupid, Skanky Who-er? I would post the text of the email, but the lawyers said I'd better not.

This is the gist:

Dear Mr. Vance:

You can't say stuff like that about our client in your blog. It's not nice. We could sue you if we want. You'd better not post the text of this email in your blog, either.

Signed,
A Bunch of Lawyers.

Dude! This is ridiculous! Why would there be all this fuss over What'sHerName?

But, I'm a bit confused. I shouldn't say which part? Stupid Skanky Who-er? Or Self-Promotion Genius? Maybe they meant lay off altogether?

But what about the first amendment? Can't I post whatever pops into my head in my own blog? Don't I have a right to express my thoughts and feeling? My hopes and dreams? My fears and fantasies? Can't I lie and make up stuff? Can't I belittle people and call them vile names with impunity just because I feel like it? I have rights, you know! I want my rights! I demand my rights!

Does this mean my upcoming blog post, Cher: Skanky Bee-otch with too Much Plastic Surgery or Goddess of the Gays? will have to be axed?

You'd better hope not.

I'm thinking "Twinkie Defense".

I'll keep you posted.

Paris Hilton: Stupid Skanky Who-er or Self-Promotion Genius?

Everyone will agree that Paris doesn’t get enough ink. So, in the tiniest effort to help rectify that, here’s my take on the whole Paris thingy.

Paris seems to be a self-promotion genius-type stupid skanky who-er.

Now, on to interesting stuff.

How about those pesky apostrophes? People are confused about when to use them and when to just say, “NO!”.

The thing is, is: you only use them to show possession or to show a word has been contracted.

THAT’S IT.

Some of you smarty-pants types will argue there’s a third usage, but it is no longer relevant. So shut your pie holes!

Modern English does not allow the use of such abominations as this:

I bought many CD’s in the 1990’s.

FALSE!

Or this:

I already gave the cat it’s food.

WRONG!

But wait, Vance! Doesn’t that it's show possession?

Yes, but the possessive pronouns don’t use apostrophes! You don’t write hi’s when you mean his, or her’s when you mean hers, do you? Same for its. It’s means it + is or it + has and such.

Let’s push things forward.

Mango’s and cherry’s are the best fruit.

AARRGH!

So, if you don’t want to be thought of as a stupid skanky who-er, self-promotion genius type or otherwise, use those apostrophes correctly, OK?

List-o-Mania Lists!

In order they were received:

Top 5 Blogs
1. What Do You Mean Mace?
5. DJ's Whatever

Mr. Vance,
Thank you for requesting my Top Five List of Supernatural Movies. My requirements are that they are eerie/creepy, are NOT slasher/gore-fest films, rarely rely on "jump out of your seat" scares, and aren't comedies. Also note that, invariably, I've listed the original. I've never seen a good remake (such as the 1999 version of The Haunting which really sucked big time). Here they are:

1. The Haunting (1963)
2. Changeling (1980)
3. The Innocents (1961)
4. The Others (2002)
5. The Wicker Man (1973)
6. The Sixth Sense (1999)
7. The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005)
8. Carnival of Souls (1962)
9. The Gift (2000)
10. Rosemary's Baby (1968)
11. The Uninvited (1944)
12. The Birds (1963)
13. What Lies Beneath (2000)
14. Stir of Echoes (1999)
15. Kwaidan (1964)
16. Haunted (1995)
17. The Dead Zone (1983)
18. Island of Lost Souls (1933)
19. Nosferatu (1929)
20. Blair Witch Project (1999)
21. The Skeleton Key (2005)
22. Repulsion (1965)
23. Cat People (1942)
24. The Village (2004)

Top 5 Live Blues Recordings

Buddy Guy "This is Buddy Guy"
B.B. King "Blues is King"
Etta James "Rocks the House"
Son Seals "Live and Burnin"
Hounddog "Taylor Beware of the Dog"

T5 Live Rock Recordings

1. The Who Live at Leeds
2. The Allman Brothers Band At the Fillmore East
3. Little Feat Waiting for Columbus
4. Neil Young and Crazy Horse Live at the Fillmore East
5. Elvis Costello and the Attractions Live at the El Mocambo

OK, YOU ASKED FOR IT. Here's the definitive , authoritative, No Shit, one and only TOP 5 Mucic list of All Time.
Jazz
Coltrane "A Love Supreme"
Billie Holiday "Strange Fruit"
Louis Armstrong "Potato Head Blues"
Ella Fitzgerald "Does Gershwin"
Wes Montgomery "Vibratin'"
Thelonious Monk "Monk's Dream"
ROCK
Jimi Hendrix "Electric Ladyland"
Bob Dylan "Highway 61 Revisited"
Stevie Wonder "Innervisions"
Los Lobos "How Will the Wolf Survive?"
Rolling Stones "Let It Bleed"
Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels "Detroit"
BLUES
Magic Sam "West Side Soul"
Johnny Winter "Progressive Blues Experiment"
Freddie King "Texas Cannonball"
Ma Rainey "I'm Jealous"
Sonny Stitt "Blues Greasy"

Top Five Of Anything That Comes To Mind

1. Garlic
2. Eggplant
3. Garlic and Eggplant together
4. "Mercury Blues" by David Lindley
5. Cool days
6. Potatos
7. Anne Francis
8. The movie "The Dresser"
9. The movie "Some Like It Hot"
10. Elephants
11. Japanese flutes
12. Olive oil (especially if used to cook garlic and eggplant)
13. Chess
14. Archery
15. The book "To Kill a Mockingbird"
16. Parchment
17. Cold water on a hot day
18. Spicy Pepper Sauce (especially if added to cooking garlic and eggplant in olive oil)
19. Good beer (like Dead Guy Ale)
20. The movie "A Room with a View"
21. Jumper cables
22. Oak tree forests
23. Surf music
24. Clouds after a rain storm
25. Red-winged blackbirds
26. Apples
27. External hard drives for backup
28. Snow
29. A nice cuppa tea
30. Any book you can't put down
31. Real licorice
32. Leave It To Beaver
33. Wrens
34. Autumn
35. Designing something that really, really works
36. Benson gyrocopters
37. Amelia Earhart
38. The Autogiro
39. Zucchinis
40. Velcro

So far, so good. We're still waiting on input from the rest of you, so let's get those top 5's in!!