Monday, September 14, 2009

Some Enchanted Evenings



I believe that I  owe you, my VR, a tasty morsel since it's been so long since my last post.

Posting.

Whatever.

Did I ever tell you about my several dinners with a serial killer?

Or perhaps, technically, serial rapist/attempted killer, since he wasn't convicted of murder (only rape and attempted murder)?

Again,

Whatever.

He was a pretty bad guy, and he was sentenced to about 200 years in prison. And he almost escaped from the courtroom by concealing a homemade handcuff key in his mouth! He got out of his handcuffs and shackles,  jumped out of the second story of the courthouse and nearly made his escape. But, was nabbed by some deputies or police officers before he got very far.


Jach the Unbeliever will be scoffing, but this is one instance where I have other, possibly more "acceptable" (in Jach's estimation) corroborating participants* to back me up  (look at the footnote, this time) on this one.

Let's call him J. He is known as the X Street Rapist (I'm not going to tell you which street). He is thought to be responsible for several to many disappearances/murders, mostly prostitutes and or homeless women who worked or lived on the streets near his XX Street house (different than the street in his moniker). Several victims who somehow got away reported that they were taken to the house where he did his business with them.  It seems incredible to me  that a person would do this in the home of his wife and children.

He apparently liked to use hammers on his victims. There's a gruesome article written by J's cousin that describes (among many other things) the events of  the night he abducted, raped, and tried to kill a young prostitute. He hit her repeatedly in the head with a hammer, stuffed her in a garbage bag, and threw her into the trunk of his car. He drove to a pier, and dumped her into the bay. She survived by playing dead. When he drove away, she was able to tear her way out of the bag and get to shore. She was found walking down the street wearing nothing but high-heeled shoes.  

J once showed me and the Daminator his hammer collection, when we were dinner guests at his house.

How did this happen, Vance? How does one get invited to a serial killer's house for dinner? How does one get a look at the collection of murder weapons he favors?

Simple.

Siouxie.

Siouxie worked with his wife, C, at an Elementary School in San Bruno. So did Mashie, but Mashie didn't really work with C. C was a sort of clingy type who seemed desperate to make friends with anyone who'd give her the time of day. I can't blame her, after finding out about her story, and thinking about what that must have been like. She knew some unsavory things about J, like he'd spent time in the Big House for sexual assault before they were married (begging the question...), and probably harbored a lot more suspicions about him in time.

Anyways, C invited Siouxie and the Daminator to dinner at her house. Siouxie begged Mashie and me to accompany them to their evening at the Xs'. Not knowing any better, except that neither Siouxie nor Mashie was all that enthused about C, we went.

We got a tour of the house, a look at J's hammer collection, and a couple glasses of chianti (but no fava beans or liver).  J barbequed some chicken, and we talked about not much, out on the deck while he BBQ'd. We had dinner, and the women probably talked about work while the Daminator and J talked sports. I probably drank more chianti. The evening was OK-ish, and we probably hung in there until 10 or 11 pm. On the way home, we probably discussed how weird it was.

I remember the house very well. It was a bizarre place. There was no drywall inside on the main floor, and the bare studs, wiring, plumbing and all was visible. Instead of windows, there were white opaque skylight bubbles hung in such a way that they'd open on hinges at the top to allow the bottoms to let in air. Of course, if you are going to rape and murder people in your house, having no clear windows is the way to go.

Anyways, C was more than a bit over the top. She was decidedly not the type we wanted to befriend. She seemed a little too desperate, and she gave us a queasy feeling about getting involved with her. Oddly enough, we thought J the more normal of the two. Who knows? Maybe he is.

Somehow, Mashie and I ended up at their house another time, again for dinner. Siouxie and the Daminator weren't there this time. Mashie was preggers with our older daughter, and C was obsessed with the fact, so that may be why. (C gave us the creepiest children's book I've ever seen, called "I'll Love You Forever". )

This time, we were taken upstairs to their bedroom (apparently the only room with a TV) to watch the "super-romantic" and lavish wedding they had on some Japanese guy's boat. I remember that they had to change out the tape in the VCR, and I got a look at the label.  C explained sheepishly that J reviewed "adult movies" for SCREW Magazine (or some such). She mentioned that some of them are "a bit raunchy". It was an S&M tape fo'sho.

They were very proud of the fact they had their wedding on a yacht. They barely knew the boat's owner (I think J worked as a contractor for him), and, as I recall, they had no friends or family of their own attending. It was a strange scene, J and C celebrating with a boatload of Japanese people. And no, for those whose minds have drifted off this way, they did not propose having kinky sex with us.

Some time later, Siouxie begged us once more to help her out. She needed to stay in C's good graces for work reasons, but was smart enough not to want C to know where she lived. Siouxie and Mashie concocted a "Host a Murder Mystery" dinner at OUR house. (There's another question going begging...) This was the 90s, so it was popular to have people over for a dinner and to act out a murder mystery. Everyone is assigned a part, and you try to figure out who dunnit. Mashie had gotten the "How to Host a Murder" game as a gift, and it was decided, for some mysterious and delusional reason, that it would be a good idea to do this with the Xs.

Guess who ended up being the "murderer"?

Yup. The murderer.

One of the strangest parts of the evening was that C appeared at our door dressed to the nines, wearing an evening gown and a full length fur coat.

Didn't she know fur = murder?

That was the last of my dinners with a serial killer. Only I didn't know he was one.

Some years later, I picked up the paper and saw J's face on the front page.  There were articles about how he'd been convicted of being the X Street Rapist. I probably screamed like a little girl. I told Mashie to come check it out, and then we called Siouxie and the Daminator to tell them they'd had...

Dinner with a Serial Killer!

Some time after these events Mashie found out that another friend of ours knew J and C, too. She wasn't friends with them, but one of their daughters was a school friend of their daughter. She had spent several overnights in the house where J assaulted and possibly killed women.

Yikes!

So there it is.

Kew, huh?


*See my dissertations on "The Truth" in my previous posts, such as "Bumpass Hell" and others you'll have to glean for yourself.  Jesus. You can participate just a bit, for cryin' out Pete's sake. 

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Vance's Favorite Spicy Drummies

OK! I know it's been a while since my last post. But, I've been busy. I didn't have time because I was on a mission. I have been working on my quest for the Acceptable, Un-Deep Fried Buffalo Wing.

I did it! Well, not wings, as you might already suspect from the title... but read on!*

It wasn't easy.

Thanks to Dude** for his brilliant contribution (the flour dredge), and to Gaah, for his suggestion that it might be OK to dump the wing for the 'stick.

Here's the thing:

Rinse and dry the drummies.

Roll them around to coat in some olive oil.

Grind some pepper over 'em and mix.

Put some flour in a bag and shake 3 -4 drummies around until covered.

Pour some Frank's Original or Buffalo Sauce into the same bowl with the left-over oil (not too much).

Roll a couple drummies at a time around in it to coat.

Did you start the fire yet?

The secret is this: use low heat (250 degrees or so). Mines is turned all the way down.

Spray some PAM on the grill or slather it with olive oil.

Put the buggers on and let them cook on one side for 15 minutes or so. They should not be too browned. If they're substantially browned, turn 'em down. We're in it for the long haul.

Turn 'em, and baste with sauce.

15 min, turn 1/4 and baste with sauce.

Turn 1/2 in 10 min or so and baste with sauce.

Crisp 'em on all sides and cook through, well-well done. Let them crisp up real good.  I like to let them go until the meat pulls away from the bone.

Eat 'em.

Throw yourself on your knees and thank Vance for improving your life so as you might find the strength to go on.

* It's good with wings, but I got kina grossed out by wings.....

**(I have to ask, although I am deeply ashamed that I don't know, is it Dude? Or is it The Dude?)

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Under the YumYum Tree

Dear VR,

This post will be a departure from the previous fascinating subjects that have come up over the course of the past years. Instead of scintillating discussions about movies, world events, the cabino de misterioso, Stuff that Matters, 'n stuff, we will delve into something that I've been struggling with for most of this year. I have been mildly depressed over it for some time.

Have you ever tried to make some variation on Buffalo Wings that was an acceptable alternative to the ones you get from Original Buffalo Wings, or Wingstop and the like?

I have. And I wasn't able to come up with anything until now.

The problem is, at least for me, that Deep Frying is Unacceptable. And that's what makes 'em tasty.

Big problem.

My thinking was, the wings had to cook hot so they'd get crispy and the sauce would brown up a bit, thereby simulating deep frying-ness.

I had the help of my taster/critic daughter Reer, who graciously gobbled down a number of false starts I had attempted utilizing oven baking, broiling, grilling and such. All received the thumbs down. Enjoyably edible simulacrums all, but not nearly close enough.

Finally, I hit on it. This time, with the ever-helpful dude kibitzing, I was able to produce, if not a replica of actual buffalo wings, a close alternative that elicited yummy sounds from dude as he ate 'em up. Although, it could have been the mashed potatos.

Whatever! They were good.

This is what I did:

Mixed a bottle of Frank's BW sauce with a big splash of Chaka's Mmmm sauce and several shots from the Tabasco sauce bottle.

Rinsed the whole wings and blotted them a bit.

Mixed up some flour with some Cajun spices and shook 'em up in a plastic bag to lightly coat (this was dude's genius contribution, which was what finally turned the tide).

Placed in a large mixing bowl, and poured the sauce over the wings and gently mixed them to coat.

Had the grill fired up, and fairly hot (400 degrees). Set the wings on the grill and closed the lid.

Waited.

Turned after a while. Crispyness! Saucey brownness! Closed lid.

Waited.

Looked after a while. Turned again. Closed lid.

Waited.

Turned again. Closed lid.

Waited.

What I was after was well browned, not burnt, very well done.

Removed from heat to a lage bowl, poured more sauce over.

Et 'em. Yumm, yummmy, mmmm....

Yeah buddy.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Vance's Big Movie Review



Is not that a kew picture?

Enid is perhaps one of my most favoritest movie characters of all time. She is played by Thora Birch?

Who is a very kew actress?

The movie is GHOST WORLD which I am not reviewing just yet. I will someday, but once I do it I'll never have the anticipation of reviewing this awesome movie ever again for the first time!

SO NO WAY! Sit on your hands and wait for it.

However, it is a terrific movie which should be seen by everyone before they go on living another day without have. Having. Whatever.

Go rent it! Terri Garr is in it for Christ sake! And she doesn't even get a credit!!

The Big Movie Review for today is:

KISS KISS BANG BANG

I know! I said I didn't watch movies with sick little monkeys doing sick little monkey things. Luckily, he was only in it for a minute.

He said, "Ficus."

God! They're horny little buggers. Makes me sick.

But in two shakes (not pumps, like I'd imagined) he was gone and the disgusting topic dropped like a hot handful of phlegm.

So. It turns out I'd already seen this little film. I only know that because I remembered two scenes:

Numero uno. The car flying over the road and crashing into the lake.

Numero two-o. The scene where the girl with the gams is lying in the grass under the overpass she jumped off of.

That's it! Except for the dead girl's pubes. Which happens to be a clue.

Anyway, one question kept troubling me while watching the body count mount up:

"WTF!?"

Why is Dweebert busting my balls to see it every 10 minutes?

This is exactly the kind of movie he hates! He deplores violence! He constantly complains about brain matter being splattered out of people's heads, and blood dripping down walls. What is Dweebert so on about?

It's a mystery.

BTW?

It was kew.

Friday, January 16, 2009

First Love

P'niss's story about the lissome Janine has inspired a possible topic to post. Someday I just might write a post about Edith Arp, my kindergarten sweetheart. (In case you're wondering about that, I was also in Kindergarten at the time. It wasn't anything weird or illegal.)

Or maybe I'll blog about one of the other significants, like Hortense Johnson in the 6th grade (same thing applies)....

Maybe.

Check back in from time to time and see.

Or not. This is a local shop.