The Three-Legged Pig

A fellow blogger, I think we'll call him Blogger from Marin or (BfM), published a post that I found thought provoking. He was writing about the "Slow Food" movement, and brought up some interesting stuff.

Slow Food has nothing to do with stuff like how a PowerBar moves through your colon. It's just the antithesis of Fast Food.

He mentioned the mantra of many vegans, vegetarians, and such: "It's wrong to eat anything with a face." All right. I can see where that might be off-putting.

But they must not mean fish. Or chickens. Does a prawn or a crawdad have a face? Do oysters? Besides, we don't care, right? Or is it just me?

Now, what I think many people mean is they don't think we should eat animals that have a biological kinship or some other sort of connection with us. Like primates or most other mammals, for instance. I don't know about you, but I don't feel a lot of connection with fish. Or turkeys.

What are we really talking about, here? Man's god-given right to dominion over the animal kingdom? Cuddly cute little animals being anthropomorphized? The right of all living creatures to the pursuit of happiness without fear of being snatched up and eaten? How good ribs taste?

You have to be very p-c these days when discussing this issue. I mean animal rights, not how good ribs taste. A guy can easily get into a fistfight over what's the best method of making ribs, no doubt, but that's not the topic under scrutiny today.

I've learned, recently, to be more sensitive about other people's feellings, and to be aware that people just might have crazy-ass opinions about this mess. For example: now when I'm asked, "Don't (I) just love little furry animals?" I've learned not to say, "Well, it depends on how they're cooked."

For some reason, that perfectly rational answer enrages some people, and makes them spray paint on my shirt.

WTF?

I suppose, this means that some people have been thinking. Instead of considering the recipe ingredients we get from the Supermarket, butcher shop, Fishmonger's, Costco, etc., as nicely packaged, hopefully sanitary and safe to eat things you make for dinner, they're looking at them as the result of carnage. They view it as populations of kindred beings being subjected to mass murder, dismemberment, and other horrors.

That's one way to look at it.

It was this kind of thinking, although it came from a much more personal viewpoint than any of us will (hopefully) have to experience, that clinched Ferdinand's banishment from Hogget Farm.* If you remember, it was the presentation of his friend at the farmer's holiday table (as the main course) that prompted him to crow his famously rash condemnation from the tip of the weathervane, "Christmas means carnage!"

But that's not all. They're thinking about the factory farms where animals are inhumanely penned, fed unnatural diets, pumped up with hormones and other poisons, etc, THEN led to the abattoir.

That's enough to put you off your food.

But, where will this kind of thinking lead?

Look what it got Ferdinand.

Anyways, let's move on to the real reason I'm blogging today. Dweebert's been pestering me to post a new one, but I'd forgotten my account ID and my password. Pff! That's not all! I also forgot how to post pictures 'n stuff!

I finally got logged on, as you can tell, but I still don't remember the other important blogging stuff. I guess you'll just have to wait, while I experiment.

Dum

de

dum

de

dum.

OK! I'm back! If there was a picture posted at the beginning of this post, then, I did it! If not, then....crap.

It's a bit like time warps. You're seeing (or not) something first in your blog experience that I saw last.

Wow. Maybe there's a post in that....

Prolly not. But be sure to check back some time for another fascinating look at something in my next blog post, whatever it might be!

*"Babe"

This is one of the most profound movies ever made. If you haven't seen it, well...that's awful. (It's nothing like "Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang".)

Anne Francis: Leather Goddess of Mystery

OK! Here we go!

This is where I turn MY blog over to an unfortunate that doesn't have his own. Once again, I'll have to put a little English on it, and re-work (in some of the more egregious instances of English mangling mis-cues, add) some niggly little things like paragraphs, punctuation, grammar, and syntax.

No Big Deal! That's what us Bloggers of the Blog-o-sphere do.

Vance’s brother Dweebert here:

As you know, Vance took a long long long vacation from his blog. All summer I wrote to him saying, “If you don’t add something to your blog I’m gonna have to do it for you.”

He said to me, “Dweebs, you dumbass, I’ll add something when I’m good and ready. Shut up.” (Did not. Ed.)

So I bided my time, allowing his fanbase to diminish to nothing (it was close to that anyway), and waited for him to tell me he had written something. He’s no Eugene O’Neil. Gene wrote even when he was dying and had Alzheimers so bad he couldn’t hold a pencil. Though, I must say, Vance’s stuff is almost as depressing. (!!! Ed.)

So now that he’s written something, I feel compelled to comment.

First of all, as smoldering as Laura Dern may be, she in no way compares to that GODDESS of the cinema, Anne Francis. Anne is so smoking hot that she reduces all other actresses throughout history to tepid. Just look at her! Those sultry eyes, those pointy hooters.

That’s hot!

No disrespect to Laura. She tries hard. She was in few good flicks, but she’s no Honey West. Let’s see Laura turn her jubblies into ice cream cones! (That IS disrespectful. Ed.)

I had a bunch of other things to comment on too, such as Vance’s pathetic work this summer at La Cabina Asombrosa del Mysterio and the fact that he never sends me money. But, after commenting on Vance’s exclusion of that babe of babes, that single bright star of the celestial firmament, Anne Francis, I no longer feel compelled to mention them.

Dweebert

There you have it! Another two cents from the Peanut Gallery. If I were you, I'd be piddling myself with anticipation about what will happen next on "What Do You Mean, Mace?" Click da linx.

http://www.meekermuseum.com/annefran.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anne_Francis

Is This All the Futher We've Got?

Whoa! I did it! Read on to see WTF I'm talkin' about:

OK! Here it is!

Here's the new post I promised in the last post. Which was the first (actually second) post after a dearth of posts, that followed a flurry of posts which were kind of lame posts because of the preceding dearth of posts, so I posted them just to post something so you'd stop complaining about the lack of posting that I'd not posted.

Another blogger has sort of inspired me to add photos to my blog. I might just do that. But this text format is all the futher I've got into the blogging technology. How does one add a photo or a video?

I'm afraid that doing something like that will just lead to other stuff I don't know how to do. Like hyper-links to kewl videos on YouTube (whatever that is), or FaceBook, 'n stuff. Then you, the VR, will start expecting it. Then, it's a downward spiral into you demanding to be amused and entertained instead of putting the energy into reading and thinking. This is not a video game! I'm not taking you to the movies here!

It's work. It's intellectually demanding stuff.

Remember back a few sentences? When I referred to reading and thinking? Before you started checking your messages and IM-ing your friends? Instead of paying attention?

I heard somewhere that this new generation coming up is called the Dumbest Generation*. I don't agree. I'd call it the Distractedest Generation. Cell phones, IM, Facebook, and all the other insistent and constant social bombardment has got them so distracted and addicted they can't pay attention to much else.**

Wait a minute! My cell is ringing.

Holla.



*http://www.latimes.com/features/books/la-et-book5-2008jul05,0,3980465.story

**http://movies.aol.com/celebrities/hot-celeb-gossip-photos?deeplink_level0=0&icid=100214839x1208583466x1200494345

Alls I'm Sayin'

You know how Laura Dern is so hot, and Britney Spears isn't?

That's alls I'm sayin'.

Well, except for this: be sure to check in, in a month or two, for my next interestin' post, "Is This All the Futher We've Got?"

My Summer Vacation by Vance

Dear Fan-base,

I am sorry to have let you down. I know that some of you in my Vast Readership have nothing else in your lives but this blog.

And no posts since April.

Here's what happened:

I took the summer off. This is the first since 1979. This is the second of my career. I know that many of you will be astonished by this. You'll say something very like (if not in these exact words),

"What possible alternate reason(s) is(are) there for being in the education bidniss, other than the summer vacation?"

Such ignorance in my peeps. Let me list them:

1. The money.
2. The respect and prestige.
3. The privilege of working with dese here yout's.
4. The worshipful appreciation of the community.

And that's just a handful.

So here's my reason for not blogging. After a near 30 year hiatus from the summer vacation, I fell into it hard.

It's funny tho'....... When it began, I had this euphoric feeling. I remember, very early on, sort of sighting down an unending line of unscheduled, dreamy summer days. The sheer number of them was incomprehensible, when measured in days. There were weeks! Months!

Yeah. Next thing I know, I'm sitting in the gym, swilling bad coffee from a styrofoam cup and wondering what would happen if I ate one of the donuts. Welcome back, Kotter!

Sorry, I'll stop. I'm sure this is distressing to the more sensitive members of the VR. My pain is your pain, and you have quite enough as it is.

Let's get on with what you really want to know*.

"What did you do, Vance? How did you fill those blissful days?"

Well, thanks for asking. But, let's back up a speck. Let's make this interesting. Let's compare my goals to what I actually accomplished.

This is what we educators do.

Vance's ISP (individualized summer plan)

Goal #1
Vance will finish the cabin and prepare it for Fall rental.

Objectives:
1a. Vance will spend at least 2 days a week (averaged over the summer) at the cabin, working.
1b. Vance will not be a dull boy and will do at least one recreational activity during each stay at the cabin in order to remain fresh and facilitate on-task behavior while working.

Goal #2

Vance will clear brush and flammable materials from the cabin lot at least to fire department guidelines.


Objectives:
2a. Vance will arrange a work party consisting of 2-3 volunteers to cut and clear brush and debris on at least one weekend.
2b. Vance will rent a chipper, and clear piles of cut brush.
2c. Vance will find out what the fire department's guidelines are.


Goal #3
Vance will re-establish an acceptable level of fitness, demonstrated by attaining a sub-200lb weight and the ability to ride King's Mountain Road to the top without injury, heart failure, stroke, or becoming unable to function for the rest of the day.

Objectives:
3a. Vance will ride at least 1 hour on 5/7 days.
3b. Vance will ride at least 2/3 of the way up KM Rd. 2x per week.
3c. Vance will ride at least two hours on 3/7 days (may include KM days)

Goal #4
Vance will not go to NY this summer.

Objectives:
4a. Vance will duck, dodge, and utilize all avoidance strategies in his repertiore to not go.


How did I do?

Vance's ISP Summary Meeting Results:

Goal #1
Not accomplished.
Objectives:
1a. accomplished.
1b. not accomplished. 5%

Goal #2 Not accomplished.
Objectives:
2a. n.a.0%
2b. n.a. 0%
2c. n.a. 0%

Goal #3 Not accomplished.
Objectives:
3a. n.a. 50%
3b. n.a 5%
3c. n.a. 25%

Goal #4 Accomplished
Objectives:
4a. accomplished 100%

These results would get me fired if I was one of my students.

At least I've posted to my blog! Stop your demanding and complaining.

*I still haven't seen "Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang".

Another big movie (well, video) review by Vance?

"Twin Peaks"

Not the porn movie, but the landmark made-for-tv series by David Lynch.

It was kew.

I watched all 497 episodes in a two day stretch. Whoa.

Brr! Bob.

And Joan Chen gives me......, well, that's none of your bidniss.

Agent Cooper's hair was awesome? And he sure did appreciate a nice, hot, cup of joe with a delicious slice of pie a'la mode. And a "hot LuLu". Or was it a "hot FiFi?

Irregardless*, you could just tell he really respected Diane?

I did not think Laura Palmer was so hot, even for a 90s chick. Even dead, like she was in most of the episodes?

Go ahead, you Laura Palmer fans! Let me have it! Lambaste away! But I'm sticking by it.

Anyways, my favorite parts of all David Lynch "films" is the microscopic shot from the inside of something which moves outward AND EXPANDS AT THE SAME TIME until you realize all of a sudden that the thing that you didn't know what it was is suddenly recognizable as one of the holes in an acoustical tile and you didn't even know it? Wow.

That really made me think about how acoustical tiles have interleaved with my whole life.

Or maybe it was the inside of Dean Stockwell's nasal passages? I forget.

But the impact is undiminished!

Awesome!

Laura Dern wasn't in it. That's its biggest flaw. Possibly, its fatal flaw.

Neither was Isabella Rossellini, which may be even a bigger problem? She did fine in "Blue Velvet".

*Irregardless! Heh!

Vance's Next Big Movie Review: "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang"

I never saw the movie, "Kiss Kiss, Bang, Bang". I hear it's a terriffic movie. But its title makes me feel so dirty. And you know what monkeys do.

I could never watch a movie like that, although Dweebert keeps bothering me about it.

"Blue Velvet" is a heck of a fine picture, though. It was kew.

I especially like the performance of Dean Stockwell as Ben? When he uses a trouble light as a microphone?

Pabst Blue Ribbon!!!!

Vance's Big Movie Review

Amelie is a terrific movie. I liked it. It was kew.

I still haven't seen "Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang!"

Gone Completely Stark Raving Mad

Dear VR,

While most of you realize, creating a blog entry all the time, like, say, once evry cupla months, takes an enormous amount of comma's, apostrophe's, and other necessary punctuation mark's. I am not made of punctuation mark's, and can't afford to squander the amount necessary to give you your jollies willy-nilly.

As usual, Dweebert has totally misapprehended the issue and has demanded a guest writer spot. On MY blog. Here's his inexplicable attempt to "fill in".

As if.

Anyway's, here goe's.

Gone Completely Stark Raving Mad

The readership of Vance's BLOG (both of you) have probably been wondering why Vance hasn't written an installment since December. With great anticipation of reading yet another brilliant intellectual diatribe, you get onto the Internet, go to this webpage, only to find the same old crap.
Being one of the two readers of Vance's BLOG, I -- his brother Dweebert -- have been frustrated by this gap and decided to find out what's going on. Or not going on, rather.
(Again, he's totally off-base: if he's ONE of TWO, why is he addressing both of my readers? DOES HE WRITE TO HIMSELF? That makes a minimum of THREE, by my count. Ed)

Calling him and sending him emails has done no good. I was beginning to think he had fallen off the edge of the world when I got a call. It turns out that Vance has gone completely stark raving mad. He's a total loonie, gibbering and drooling, swaddled in a straitjacket, and eating only Gerber's Oatmeal and Bananas. I went to see him at the Narpingham Institute for the Incurably Insane. His hair is long and stringy, he has several month's growth of beard, and he does little but recite "The Raven" and passages from "The Ashley Book of Knots." The doctors say he's a hopeless case and asked if I would bring more Oatmeal and Bananas.

Like you, I wondered what could have put him around the bend. He was already close to the bend, but what, exactly, was it that made him turn that corner. Was it the enormous quantities of pork he eats? Was it his new job? Was it too much trying to get the best prices on yet another motherboard? Was it his unearthly experiments in the dead of night trying to infuse a bit of vermicelli with life? The truth is, I don't know.

Rather than try to puzzle out this difficult problem, I decided instead to work on a new Tiki cocktail recipe. I experimented for a couple of days and came up with the following:

Crazy Vance

Fill tall glass with ice, add1 oz coconut rum
1 oz light rum
1 oz coconut cream
2 oz unsweetened pineapple juice
Squeeze of fresh lime juice
Top off with Club Soda
Stir

Anyway, in closing, I hope Vance's readership doesn't give up hope. I mean, what do doctors know?

Dweebert