Da Bluze

Da Big Mon sent me this blues primer. He should know da bluze. He be a bass pla'r. I publish it here without his permission because that's how I am.

We can all learn from it. I know I did.

THE BLUES 101

If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the whys and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning...."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the
next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that
rhymes - sort of:

Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound.

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
Walkin' plays the major role in a Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get no rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is.
Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not theBlues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to
the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. Highway
b. Jailhouse
c. Empty bed
d. Bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. Gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. Golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and
you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. TigerWoods cannot sing the Blues.
Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable
Blues beverages are:
a. Cheap wine
b. Whiskey or bourbon
c. Muddy water
d. Black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Bluesdeath. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way todie. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and
dying lonely on abroken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis
match or while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues
no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. Blues Name Starter Kit:
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Mute, Lame, etc.)
b. First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
c. Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, Clinton,etc.)

For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Lame Kiwi Clinton, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

21. I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry!

22. Probably can't sing the blues if you live in Belmont -- SanFrancisco, ok; Oakland, Daly City, Colma, definitely; Corte Madera, LosAltos Hills, forget it!


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OK! Thanks. That's an inspiration to many of us, I'm sure. It made me want to Sing the Blues!

Here's some Blues from Bulgy Tummy Vance (I cain't decide on Reagan or Bush).

It goes a little bit li'k'is:

I woke up in Belmont this mo'nin',
Devil-woman on my back,
Woke up in Belmont this mo'nin',
That Marjorie she sho is whack.

She et my po'kchop fo' brexfas',
Didn't know she cud swaller so fast,
She done et my po'kchop fo' brexfas'.
Made me check my e-mail last.

Got into that Mazda an' flo'd it,
Mos' likely gwine wind up dead
Got into that ol' 626 an' flo'ed it,
Din wanta hear the las' words she said.

Oh, that Memphis man be hatin',
From that poke in the eye he got,
Oh that 'lectric chair is waitin',
Or mebbe I end up shot.

Woke up in Belmont this mo'nin,
Tiger-woman on my back.
From my irritable bowel syndrome I's moanin',
Could not get out the sack.

Thang ya, thang ya vera mush.