California Dreamin'

I've been wondering.

You know how, when you meet someone in the Bay Area, and they're almost all from the East Coast? And how 99% of them are from New York? It’s always the same. When you talk to them, you will soon discover that Each and Every One of Them will insist, probably to the death, that Everything is Better in New York.

Let's not even get into the question that is obviously going begging here. You know, if it's so great, why do they leave like lemmings streaming over the tundra or whatever?

The fact is, they should be grateful like the rest of the transplants. The ones from like say, Baltimore, are always honest. They’re all like, “Dude, I’m so hella stoked to be out of there…”


I don’t get why everything in California is substandard. There are so many New Yorkers living here that you’d think one or two of them would remember how to make a bagel. I mean, how come all of these New Yorkers who are now living in California have forgotten how to make the Good New York style stuff? Does crossing the Rockies cause amnesia?

The Way Things Are, According to the New Yorker (I will debunk most shortly):

1. New York is the only place you can get a Decent Pastrami Sandwich.
2. The Yankees Are The Only Good Baseball Team on Earth.
3. Even though bagels are crap in california, you have to follow the New York
Bagel Rules.
4. No ice cream on earth compares to Carvel.
5. Theater in Manhattan is The Best in the World.
6. Compared to New York, the bread in california sucks.
7.You haven’t experienced Life if you didn't Go to Camp for 8 weeks in the
summer.
8. People you met Outside of Summer Camp are not Really Close Friends
(especially californians).
9. Jews from anywhere else are Barely Jewish.
10. Homosexuals from anywhere else are not even Gay.
11. Hella isn’t a word.
12. Don't even mention Pizza. Fuhgeddaboudit.

The Truth:

1. I've had a pastrami on rye from The Carnegie Deli. It was ok. Too much
mustard.
2. Maybe.
3. A bagel is just bread. They're not sacred.
4. Carvel is nice soft ice cream. It’s good when dipped in chocolate. The Dairy
Belle in Belmont has the same thing. Besides, ever hear of Gelato?
5. How is it possible that when A Hit Play on Broadway's entire production is
moved to San Francisco it will suck?
6. San Francisco sourdough, baby!
7. I had a bike. What more does a kid need in the summer?
8. I have no way to judge.
9. This also may be possible.
10. Where is Ryan Seacrest from?
11. Dude. I won’t even address that one.
12. Two words: Hawaiian pizza. They don't even have it in New York!

Now that I have put this topic to rest, let's attack another hypocrisy:

You know how people from New York are all, “It’s made with mayonnaise? I Won’t Eat That.”

Yeah. Except with or in tuna salad, egg salad, chicken salad, turkey sandwiches, artichokes, Russian Dressing, Big Macs, tartar sauce, deviled eggs, yada, yada, yada.

I think they eat it right out of the jar.